Chaotic Good of Flying Away From Loneliness

What "showing up" actually means to me now

As I write this, I’m sitting in the 4 a.m. airport awaiting the chaotic good of the Southwest Airlines boarding process. (Revised after some 8 a.m. coffee awaiting the connecting flight.) How lawlessly peaceful the airport is at this hour.

A middle-aged man just quietly jogged past me to get to his gate on time; running late at 4:00 in the morning feels understandable. A father and son chuckle at something on the son’s phone; I’m assuming it’s a meme and wish they’d share it with me. Two young women walked up to the gate laughing and whisper-singing the song “Shots” by LMFAO. I bet they’re on their way to a girls’ trip of sorts. I make eye contact and laugh with them because a drink sounds lovely right now.

Me? I’m typing this while waiting to fly out to the next stop on my poetry tour. And I feel ready to take to the sky after a night of gentle parenting my triggers.

Abandonment wounds hit me again last night, leaving me with only a few short hours of rest before this travel day. Flashbacks played of all the times I experienced big moments without the people I love. Choir concerts, dance recitals, my first paid poetry gig, finishing my last class of grad school, performing on dream stages, the list could go on. In those moments, instead of feeling proud and excited, I felt unimportant and deeply lonely.

Every time I’m alone at an event that I’m excited about, my brain flies back to one of my high school choir concerts. I had a solo, and there wasn’t anyone in the audience for me. After the show, I sat in the back of the empty auditorium crying. I never told anyone. That feeling still sits with me at events.

But this isn’t that time anymore.

I can recognize now that I am loved. Not everyone can be at everything that I do — I do a LOT — no matter how much I want them there. Their inability to be there does not equate to their desire to support me. It just means they had a conflict. They will have other chances to be there for me. I can understand and accept that now.

I can recognize now that there are many times where my people do show up. Many of my big moments have had faces I love in the crowd. I can also recognize that showing up for me looks like more than just the big moments. It’s the small human times we share.

People have likely ran to catch their flight or bus to get to me on time. People have walked through airports with me singing “Shots” by LMFAO (not kidding). People have sent me memes and videos from across the room while enjoying quiet time together. We have laughed at the unexpected downpours we got caught in. We have danced to Spotify jam sessions and laughed at silly puns.

My people have supported big and small moments, and we continue to show up for each other in every way that we can. I can recognize that now. So even when I feel lonely at an event, I can remember how deeply I love and am loved.

No amount of flights around the world can take my people away from my heart.

Early morning clouds from the flight this morning. Shout-out to the crew who had us laughing before we were fully awake.

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Here is an airport draft for ya:

Morning cloud mountains mute
late-night laments and pillow hugs

Plane wings hold me up as if to say
I’ve got you

As if you are on this flight with me
to dream stages and goals

And you are always with me
Even if not in the seat next to me 

You got me

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